10 Magic Cards with Totally WTF Art

Brian: So Josh and I were thinking--

Josh: ‘Innat ‘Me and Josh?’

Brian: So Gamebros’ token card gaming guy and his depraved cohort (Josh: That’s me) were thinking that a blog ain’t a real blog until it’s got an article with a list of some sort. [Editor's note: Brian was mistaken. We've already had a list.] Because as we all know, Cracked is the most credible source of information on the internet since 4chan.

Josh: Except Wikipedia, of course. Shit got me through college!

Brian: After zero mulling over and absolutely no productive discussion, we decided to put together some Magic card art through the years that really just makes you do the People’s Eyebrow. Unfortunately, this shit’s insanely difficult to rank so we took our individual picks and grabbed the Top 10 of ‘em all...which Gamebros now presents to you in no particular order.

Josh: Ranking ‘em up would take forever.

Brian: Anyway, on with the show!

Earthbind

Brian: Mmm, yes. Bind that earth you nasty, nasty bitch.

Josh: There’s definitely mounds being bound. Back in the olden days it was either this, or Gwendlyn Di Corci who were the crown jewel of many MTG collectors’ “special page” There was also Essence Vortex but the lady there looked frighteningly like Ellen DeGeneres, so…

Brian: This is gonna be like that Kachiko page in every L5R Legacy binder, innit?

Horrible Hordes

Josh: The art’s a lot of things, but you can definitely say its true to what the card’s called. That’s a horde, and they look horrible.

Brian: Whatever these people were smoking, I want some of that.

Josh: You do know card artists were paid peanuts back then? It’s probably something cheap and brain-melting. Explains a lot, really.

Brian: Remember kids, Brian does not at all endorse gaming under the influence!

Ekundu Cyclops

Brian: Yannow what? I wanted to make a dick pun but this guy, just...this guy.

Josh: It makes all the puns for you. Look at that flavor text. In any case, Let me link you to a certain TV Tropes page... This guy’s got issues. Take a look at his other cards: Withering Boon, Teferi's Curse. What’s with him and pudgy goblinoid/orky people… Also, ghetto orc bootay.

Brian: His River Boa don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

Invoke Prejudice

Brian: So. Are you gonna make the racist joke or shall I?

Josh: Racist joke? This card is ALL THE RACIST JOKES. Also, I heard the artist was some sorta super neo-Nazi, so I suppose this shit’s intentional.

Brian: It’s fundamentally wrong that this card’s blue and not white.

Clergy en-Vec

Josh: White card.

Brian: Well, I’m sure you all saw it coming.

Josh: That guy in the foreground certainly did.

Brian: Suck it, Dan Brown.

Imposing Visage (Ice Age)

Brian: BEHOLD MY TRUE FORM AND DESPAAAAIIIIR!

Josh: Looks kinda like some chick we knew in college.

Brian: ...which one?

Spincrusher

Brian: This card writes its own bad pun! That is some literal dicking around.

Josh: Talk about having a sex drive.

Timmerian Fiends

Josh: Chewbacca and Skeletor, newest members of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Or is it Yawgmoth’s Witnesses?

Brian: “Excuse me, sir. Do you have a moment to talk about Yawgmoth, our lord and savior?”

Balduvian War-Makers (Alliances #98)

Josh: Give a big hand of applause to the three lost members of the Acolytes! Don’t they look “special”?

Brian: Coming this Ice Age: Dominaria Summer Slam.

Chains of Mephistopheles

Josh: HURRRRRRR

Brian: DURRRRRRR

Josh: This is one of the least intimidating portraits of a demon I've seen. Fear his gormless expression, mismatched horns and single salami-sized nipple!

Brian: Sweet mother of fuck, it’s Voldo's secret ending!

Just to facilitate discussion, the authors of this article would also like to throw in the rest of the cards from their shortlists. Several of these stayed there because Brian wasn't listening and thought they were picking “funny card art” instead of “WTF card art.”

BRIAN
Uktabi Orangutan
Recycle
Taunt
Impending Disaster
Cooperation
Stasis
Orcish Settlers
Unlikely Alliance

JOSH
Howl from Beyond (International Collector’s Edition)
Hasran Ogress
Counterspell (Seventh Edition)
Merfolk of the Pearl Trident
Obsianus Golem
Withering Boon
Gaseous Form (Fourth Edition)
Mold Demon
Llanowar Elves (Old art, you all know the one.)
Psychic Purge
Word of Command
Unholy Strength (censored)
Tidal Surge
Sillhouette
Seeker
Abomination
Eureka
Killer Bees
Giant Strength (Fourth Edition)
Kobolds of Kher Keep